victory!

I don't normally like to talk about my mental health, or worse, how horrid it's been, but recent events merit an exception. part of me hopes someone out there googling away will find this, because there are no solid answers out there, and the other part hopes the kids who read this will be happy for me and maybe understand why I'm such a hot mess sometimes. :P

after dealing with signs of depression throughout high school and half of college, push came to shove and I wound up on a series of SSRIs. when I found the one that worked, I became the much more happy, upbeat, confident person most of you met in the first place (and if you think I'm none of those things, consider what that means about 'old' me). and after several months I thought, y'know what? it's my favorite season (fall), I'm happy, I haven't even gotten stressed, and why be medicated when I go to vienna in january--I'm gonna stop.

and that was where the trouble started--it became my goal to get off this stuff by january, so I wouldn't have to worry about losing my pills and having to explain this business to a pharmacist in german. anyway, being on the lowest dose, I just stopped cold-turkey. after a week or two, I triumphantly went to my counselor and told her I had quit and there was no withdrawal and wasn't that awesome. and about a day after that, the 'brain shivers' or 'brain zaps' (4th paragraph here) started. after trying to figure out what was going on, then reporting it to my doctor and having her roll her eyes at me, I gave up. after a few pill-splitting attempts that wound up with me looking like a coke addict and most of the meds getting vacuumed up, the pills went to vienna, and I stayed on them for a long time.

and then the real trouble started: if you're bipolar or just not depressed, SSRIs can make you manic. life was good once I moved out here, and gradually I noticed myself making terrible decisions (on the field and while driving were the notable ones). then came the complete hyperactivity, turning into a spaz and a half when I had coffee, and the crazy urges to do, well, crazy things. the final straw came when I nearly hit a pedestrian and pulled over to cry.

terrified of more 'brain shivers,' but more terrified of actually causing an accident, I tried again. this time there were no attempts at pill-splitting to step off gradually, and no giving up easily. if the 'brain shivers' got bad, I took one that day and then stopped until I absolutely needed one again. the pills got less and less frequent, and it's now been three weeks since my last, and a week or two before that.

this isn't quite over, I know, but I've only cried once (another withdrawal symptom), and the 'brain shivers' are so mild and so infrequent that I barely notice them. but for once, I am not the weird kid at tournaments who has a tournament bag that sounds like maracas from the six different bottles in there.

so as my gchat status has said for a while, I'm freeeee!

[thanks for listening.]