ever have one of those days?

...yeah, well I had one a few days ago. it was bad enough that I'd drafted most of this post in my head at work. so why was I having such a terrible time of it? because I have always disliked hufflepuffs.

yup, I took it there. but the point is, from high school to college to the field of IT, I always seem to wind up feeling that taking a sick day is unacceptable. in high school, viruses went through the entire student body and staff within a week or two, tops. wellesley has several 'campus plagues' a year (how's that going, guys?).

and then, a few days ago, I sat at my desk trying not to have a nervous breakdown. that day a coworker came in, still feeling ill from the bug that kept him out the day before. he came in out of the same sense of obligation, then came and talked to me close-up, risking infecting me, then managed to knock my whiteboard off the wall and attempted to fix it, his lecture about an apparently shoddy hanging job punctuated by my frantic pleading of 'stop touching my things, stop it, stop it!'*

* yes, this was a hilarious day at the office for everyone not involved. also, he was not as much of a hot mess as he sounds in this post—just rather shaky.


what I'm saying is, even at swells or your job/internship/adventures elsewhere, it is always ok to take a sick day. or a mental health day. because at school, you will learn under these conditions, but you will learn poorly and have to re-learn when you're well. and at work, you have sick and vacation time for a reason: because you are temporarily replaceable, and permanently you are valued highly enough that your well-being is valued as well.

so what I'm really saying is, take care of yourselves, kids.

victory!

I don't normally like to talk about my mental health, or worse, how horrid it's been, but recent events merit an exception. part of me hopes someone out there googling away will find this, because there are no solid answers out there, and the other part hopes the kids who read this will be happy for me and maybe understand why I'm such a hot mess sometimes. :P

after dealing with signs of depression throughout high school and half of college, push came to shove and I wound up on a series of SSRIs. when I found the one that worked, I became the much more happy, upbeat, confident person most of you met in the first place (and if you think I'm none of those things, consider what that means about 'old' me). and after several months I thought, y'know what? it's my favorite season (fall), I'm happy, I haven't even gotten stressed, and why be medicated when I go to vienna in january--I'm gonna stop.

and that was where the trouble started--it became my goal to get off this stuff by january, so I wouldn't have to worry about losing my pills and having to explain this business to a pharmacist in german. anyway, being on the lowest dose, I just stopped cold-turkey. after a week or two, I triumphantly went to my counselor and told her I had quit and there was no withdrawal and wasn't that awesome. and about a day after that, the 'brain shivers' or 'brain zaps' (4th paragraph here) started. after trying to figure out what was going on, then reporting it to my doctor and having her roll her eyes at me, I gave up. after a few pill-splitting attempts that wound up with me looking like a coke addict and most of the meds getting vacuumed up, the pills went to vienna, and I stayed on them for a long time.

and then the real trouble started: if you're bipolar or just not depressed, SSRIs can make you manic. life was good once I moved out here, and gradually I noticed myself making terrible decisions (on the field and while driving were the notable ones). then came the complete hyperactivity, turning into a spaz and a half when I had coffee, and the crazy urges to do, well, crazy things. the final straw came when I nearly hit a pedestrian and pulled over to cry.

terrified of more 'brain shivers,' but more terrified of actually causing an accident, I tried again. this time there were no attempts at pill-splitting to step off gradually, and no giving up easily. if the 'brain shivers' got bad, I took one that day and then stopped until I absolutely needed one again. the pills got less and less frequent, and it's now been three weeks since my last, and a week or two before that.

this isn't quite over, I know, but I've only cried once (another withdrawal symptom), and the 'brain shivers' are so mild and so infrequent that I barely notice them. but for once, I am not the weird kid at tournaments who has a tournament bag that sounds like maracas from the six different bottles in there.

so as my gchat status has said for a while, I'm freeeee!

[thanks for listening.]

days like today...

...are the days that make me believe there's a higher power out there somewhere.

not only has it been beautiful out all day, and not only is it one of the best days of fall today, but someone or something out there came to my rescue today. I've never been one to consider myself a damsel in distress, but there are days I need a little (or a lot of) help. last night, after a decidedly shitty week and weekend so far, I found myself drawing up a storm (see facebook for the 'storm') out of frustration and still not feeling any better. I tried to do some feel-good stuff—finally getting a decent picture of myself on the internet, talking to friends, calling home, organizing, watching feel-good tv—but none of it did much good. I put on my mopey playlist and went to bed, just hoping not to have any nightmares like the night before.

and this morning I woke up to a flurry of facebook posts, all from people I haven't talked to in a long time or don't talk to regularly, either starting conversations, praising my artwork (which I consider to be a part of my soul), or otherwise letting me know I wasn't as alone as I've started to feel lately. the one that saved me, though, was from a friend telling me I was beautiful—I don't think anyone's ever told me that, and even though I know it myself, sometimes that isn't enough. just as I'd begun to give up hope of anyone ever appreciating me or loving any part of me, that one comment pulled me out of the darkness. you know exactly who you are, and you're probably reading this. so thank you.  ♥

my apologies to the two people who read this thing

...if there are even two of you left, that is.

anyway, I have been extremely busy of late — sectionals is this weekend, and we're launching part of our new site soon, so there's a lot of stress in my life. remarkably, in spite of what everyone thinks (i.e. that I'm a complete spaz), I've been pretty calm about it all.

the fact that I'm on my club team's b roster for sectionals probably has a lot to do with that. I can focus on rehabbing my body rather than trying to cross-train or something this week, and I know if I screw up once or twice I'm not putting regionals on the line. sure, it won't be as fun knowing there's a 25-50% chance that a receiver will bobble or get d'd on any pass I throw, but I think they made the right decision putting me here on account of my injuries — now there's no pressure to overcome the physical limitations I've recently acquired; I just have to give 100% of what I've actually got.

but enough serious talk. I'm playing 4 nights a week in fall league, with two of those nights *cough* monday/wednesday *cough cough* being much more fun than the others. :P I found an amazing gluten-free oreo substitute should I ever get terminally depressed about not being able to eat cake at work. and my collection of awesome and ridiculous shoes has just gotten a new addition — 4" gray, faux-suede, peep toed stiletto booties with zippers running all across the body of the shoe. I apologize to anyone from college whose mind may have just short circuited.

I will leave you with two things:

1. you know you're a geek when you can type   more than twice per second.
2. forget the electra complex — what the hell does it mean when you crush on someone with a distinct physical resemblance to your grandfather in his youth??

.....god help me.

interim update #2

- or: FUCK YOU, ACL! -

so the biggest update to my life right now probably involves my left knee having all the stability of warm jello. I likely stretched my acl last summer while guarding a really fast guy; now the injury is back with a vengeance and I can't actually stand on that leg alone without tipping over. and in two days' time I'll be in chicago for sandblast, which, for those of you who don't know, is a beach tournament. granted it will be with a super chill team that's there to have fun and drink a ton, but the fact remains that I will be running on sand.

it's either a death wish or a wish to get it the hell over with so I can start the recovery process. either way, I would like to have two functioning knees again, kthxbai.

interim update

until I can make a full post, I will insert this micro-rant:

when I first came here I thought, y'know what? now that I'm here on my own, I'm not gonna worry about anything else; I'm just gonna do me for a while. well I'm done with that. the best thought I've had all day: it's time for someone else to do me, goddamnit. is that too much to ask? :P

oooooops

...so I should probably update, huh?

life has been extremely busy (hence the no updating): I'm playing ultimate 2-5 days a week, I joined a kickball league with some coworkers, and as of next weekend I'll be spending a chunk of my free time trying to be less horrifically clumsy on roller skates so I can try out for roller derby. mad udderburn, my club team, won st. louis classic (another state crossed off my list :D), and yesterday the udderburn reject squad, a.k.a. mini giraffes, beat the rest of udderburn to win our pool at a local tournament. on top of that, I've just gotten back from practice with a start-up women's club team, master plan. IT WAS AMAZING.

and that's where I'm torn. udderburn is winning a lot of stuff, and I LOVE the people, and I chose my summer league team on the basis of playing with udderburn people more often. but I forgot how much I LOVE women's ultimate. I love high-level play in general, but I'd forgotten how good it feels to be surrounded by good players and want to measure up, and then have them really care about you when all is said and done, and know you've done some great work on the field when you come off. and not get looked off on every single cut because you didn't get open as quickly as a guy would've. I don't know a lot of these women very well yet, but they seem amazing and like it would be so much fun to play with them whether we're winning or not. but udderburn has so much of my loyalty too, and I love the people and the challenge of mixed ultimate. BLARGH.

and a quick recap of my non-ultimate life: I'm starting apartment-hunting (late in the game, oops) for some place hopefully by where all the hippies live (willy st., for you madison kidzz), I got into glee a couple weeks ago and have been watching episodes nonstop for a while now (and I think the only reason I watch it/my new obsession--no hetero--is chris colfer), and I think there's a 95% chance I can't eat wheat flour/products ever again. at least I can still eat cheetos--that will make life worth living :D

oh, and after my spectacular slide/near split at practice today, IT'S NEW CLEATS O'CLOCK, boochez. there will be pics, and they will be awesome.

I knew cooking for myself wouldn't end well...

ok, that may be an exaggeration, but... sometimes I forget to eat particular things, or food groups. and not living with my parents anymore means there is no one to be like 'HEY IT'S 50 POTATOES EAT THEM' or 'YOU LOVE LIMA BEANS, YOUR TASTEBUDS ARE LYING TO YOU.'

so I'm not sure if it's that or what, but for some odd reason I think I wasn't eating much of anything grain-y for a while there. and then I started back up again about a month ago. and...

my body likes to be efficient in whatever ways it can in order to make up for the many, many ways in which it can't be efficient (like, say, running). if I don't use some part of myself awhile my body tries its hardest to remove this excessive part--like, say, long-distance eyesight, or my triceps. this includes enzymes: I went veggie and physically can't eat beef now; I stopped having a glass of milk every day in high school and have been a lactard ever since. and now... well, yesterday I listened to a teammate talk about her gluten intolerance and thought, gosh, those symptoms sound awfully familiar. I do believe my stomach has hit a new low.

so ... if over the next few weeks I am doubled over in pain or refuse beer, don't ship me off to the hospital just yet. *fingers crossed* <-- for what, I'm still not sure.

the real world has mens in it

...and I don't understand them.

there are a lot of good mens out there, and I understand them quite well. the ones who make work the best 9 hours of the day, the ones who help you hash out your love life (and theirs) when you're drunk, the ones who see you in stabbing pain at a dance party and come dance with you or happy-salmon you and make you smile/laugh so hard you forget all about it.

the ones I don't understand were all out today. I think they come out when it gets warm... which doesn't bode well for tomorrow (maybe the rain will scare them away?). anyway. I don't know if it's The Gay or what, but for some reason I relate to guys as if I were a guy myself. it does me a lot of good in some situations, but apparently in most parts of real life, this is not a good idea.

anyway, from 8 years without guys, I've kind of forgotten how to play the part of the angry feminist lady who's just been insulted. which apparently I need to re-learn, and fast. everywhere I went today, people stared. I checked--there was nothing weird going on with my face or the rest of me, nor was I wearing anything particularly bizarre — in fact i was wearing the most un-revealing, blending-in clothing I own. from the normal guys (and the ladies) I'm going to assume I just looked nice enough. but then there was the guy who said 'hey, what up' as he passed me, then turned around and watched me walk away, then did this about 2 more times after I kept turning around myself to make sure he wasn't.... and the guy that went slackjawed hanging out the window of his car until his bro made fun of him for it.... and the guy that asked 'hey girl, how you doin'?' twice after the first response (or lack thereof) wasn't enough.

I don't remember this being a huge problem before, but I really don't want to have to re-learn how to be an enraged feminist for this. I think what I need here is a 'beard'. and fortunately or unfortunately, I think there are people who'd be willing to do it.

hooookaaayy...

now I really do have another hyperbole/oatmeal-style post lined up with somewhere between 33% and 50% of the graphics done. I'd finish it now, but I'm about to pass out after the first pickup game of the season (:D:D). so hang on just a teeny bit longer!*

* and by 'a teeny bit longer' I mean... a couple days >.<

p.s. HOLA KINGPIIIIINNN ♥♥♥

who I really am

I had/ve a particularly depressing post lined up, but I've decided to spare you all until I've slept on it and seen if I still feel the same.

in lieu of that, I've decided to clarify exactly who I am for all those with misconceptions of me (pretty much everyone):

INFP:

Devoted to those in their inner circle, INFPs guard the emotional well-being of others, consoling those in distress. Guided by their desire for harmony, INFPs prefer to be flexible unless their ethics are violated. Then, they become passionate advocates for their beliefs. They are often able to sway the opinions of others through tact, diplomacy, and an ability to see varying sides of an issue.

INFPs develop these insights through reflection, and they require substantial time alone to ponder and process new information. While they can be quite patient with complex material, they are generally bored by routine. Though not always organized, INFPs are meticulous about things they value. Perfectionists, they may have trouble completing a task because it cannot meet their high standards. They may even go back to a completed project after the deadline so they can improve it.

And another:

Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons ... and their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

TL;DR: don't judge me until you really understand. underneath this rough exterior is the most fragile, caring thing you'll ever know.

little things

little things can make or break your day, I have discovered. like what, you might ask? well, over the course of about 12 hours I discovered just what.

first off, my neighbors' bathroom is just above mine. I know this because occasionally I hear them puking, or trying to bathe one of their dogs (protip: cut their toenails while they're in there so I don't have to hear CLACK CLACK CLACK every other minute). but that also means they can hear me, and I think they've decided to mess with me every time I take a shower (perhaps a betting pool on which swear words I'll use when they do it?). their hot water is like a hot water vacuum that sucks all the warmth out of my shower, usually just as I've done something like getting shampoo in my eye for extra conflict.

I go from this:


to this:


after I got out of that shower the other night, I saw a cute little spider crawling up my wall:


and then I realized it was a daddy longlegs, which I am deathly afraid of, which makes so much sense...


and then the next morning, after sleep had cleansed me of the previous night's horrors, I was walking to my car to go to work:


when...


whyyyyyyy??? the thing had just emerged from the thawing snow and was chilling there like 'yo wut up im a bloody squirrel with rigor mortis lol'. I flipped out. I am still not sure how I made it to work without puking, or how I've remained psychologically intact enough to write this today.

that is all.

HI BUCKY!!1! (y hola kingpin!)

so just for the hell of it I've decided to make a comic-y update, in the styles of the oatmeal and hyperbole and a half. but it's not done yet.

so... don't give up on this thing just yet. I'm just trying to achieve some quality above stick figure before I publish. :P

ultimate ftw!

hello! I've just reached the intersection of 'back from an overnight tournament' and 'remotely awake,' so here I go! (warning: if you don't play ultimate, your eyes may glaze over. but if you think ultimate players are 'a buncha hippies,' you may want to keep reading anyway. *cough* dan.)

so, first big news: I LAID OUT!! 1.5 times! the .5 was when I caught someone's ridiculous throw, then intentionally semi-laid-out to keep it in my hand. but the 1! I may have bid a split second too late, but I intentionally threw myself sideways and completely disregarded my self-preservation instincts for the disc. I call it a win. I am still finding turf chunks inside my clothes.

I'm starting to get my mojo back on d! not entirely, madison girls are hella fast, but I've been challenging more and totally ninja-sky'd a girl while running on empty. and I can totally handle jukes again, which is wonderful.

speaking of running on empty, I think I've finally broken through my wall! the wall you hit when your muscles won't do what you tell them to, you can't catch your breath and everything you do hurts. I'd always been amazed by people capable of disregarding that fatigue, and now I can! so good!

and last but definitely not least: cutter zen. (if you don't play ultimate, ask. I'm not self-harming.) though I signed up to handle at the tournament due to being woefully out of shape, I figured I'd cut occasionally and even planned on begging for it. well during one point, I had a possession's worth of awesome. for all that I love cutting, I've never had that flow/zen/whatever you want to call it, but it happened. everywhere I went, cutting or clearing, I was a threat. every time I made a move it was to exactly the right spot, right when someone needed me there. and I was always open. so, so, so good!

I call it a triumphant, if sore, return to the ultimate scene :)

lessons learned.

I like to write posts in odd formats in the hopes that someone will read actually read them, and maybe even be awake by the end. so here, in list format, are things I've learned since my last post:

• no matter how little eyeliner you think you're wearing, even a little is still 100% more than none, and people will call you out on it.
• black lights and pandora make not having a dishwasher all better. (dish-washing dance parties ftw!)
• posting profanity in your gchat status does not go over well when your parents can see it. (x2!)
• a lesson learned, and blogged about, years ago: severe awkwardness is a much better stimulant than caffeine. so don't mix caffeinated beverages and awkwardness.
• no matter how much you think you look like a hobo, it is never enough when you are surrounded by throngs of nerdy boys.
• metaphorically speaking, in any sense, don't leave your fortune in the hands of a gambler.
• today's lesson: however brilliant of an artist you may be at 2am, getting the wrong amount of sleep will make you the equivalent of drunk at work the next day, dropping your iq by a good 50 points or so. FAIL.
• part II: don't be sleep-deprived-drunk when you have a cute boy to yourself all day. megafail.

life continues to be interesting, both as a blessing and a curse, but largely the former. I will write more when I'm more coherent (and possibly have played in a tournament. that might give me better material :P)

HI BLAKE!!1!

so anyway. without me realizing it, today marked a somewhat important milestone: the first day that the sun hadn't officially set by the time I finished work. the change in my sanity was remarkable--I actually walked outside happy and not wanting to cry about being inside for the entirety of the 9 hours of daylight we get. now if only I could somehow weasel my way into a desk by the window...

overall it seems I've been successful of late. for one, I can cook pretty darned well for someone who avoided the kitchen for her entire childhood. and for another, I seem to have scored some points at work for my contribution to a packers-themed graphic on our homepage. eeeeexcellent...

in other news, the straightening continues (to bother me a lot), xhtml might finally force me to type with the proper fingers, coworkers keep giving me awesome things, and I'm slowly getting less embarrassingly out of shape.

slowly.

HI DAN AND KINGPIN

I do enjoy creepin' on the creepers.

anyway. second week done, third week comin' right up. I'll be playing ultimate tonight, and hopefully I won't come into work hobbling around like a fool like I did last monday.

highlights of the past week include cupcakes (iron cupcake, to be exact), watching some packer domination, firming up plans with caesar, and my first holiday party.

re: the holiday party/friday in general, caesar and I have determined that I come across as a guy. a prickly, standoffish guy, to be precise. this solves the mysteries of why someone punched me in the arm on friday and why I got rejected for a hug later on. now the question becomes how to reverse that impression.

and preferably quickly, so I can meet me some ladies and have them not think I'm a complete jerk. ...or a man, ideally. that could lead to some disappointment.

eeyaaacckk

so the past 48 hours have been full of little moments that made me gag a little. or a lot. sometimes literally.

1) being at an ultimate tournament and not being able to play. I nearly lost my sanity. at least I got to play sideline, though.
2) actually playing ultimate tonight and finding out that I'm so out of shape, I can't even last one point. that was the literally gagging/actually searching for something to puke into, just in case.
3) being at that tournament and not being able to talk to anyone. I'm naturally quite awkward, so I didn't do too well with making new friends, and those I did know were either busy or actively avoiding me. I am convinced this bit is responsible for my feeling ill for a while afterward.
4) by far the most alarming, I'm getting straighter. like my '1%' is now probably my.... 5% or so. not so alarming, you say? consider that that's at least 5x more than before. I am really, really not sure how I feel about this. not that I define myself by a percentage or a label, but it's like when you've hated a food forever and suddenly find yourself starting to come around. unnerving to say the least.

</tmi>
</rant>

works!

hey hey hey, who knew I could force myself to be functional at ungodly hours?? I sure didn't! but I'm actually totally fine with waking up before the sun after only 4 days. sweet! and I have awesome coworkers (and I'm not plugging that just in case they come here from facebook--it's actually true).

I'm starting to settle into a groove; I'm already buying awesome groceries I couldn't afford in summer 2009, and I'm going to any and all events that present themselves and finding my way around this particular part of the city. despite having lived here for months at a time, multiple times, I still didn't imagine I'd get adjusted this quickly. huzzah!

on another note, my sister has perfected the art of the slow-motion shit sandwich. over the course of several hours or days, she'll start off with hugs and flattery and how great it is to see you, then say/do something egregiously out of line, then end with how she's glad you're doing so well and she should bring the kids over some time. lessons learned here: don't let her drive so I always have an out; oh-so-politely asking her to specify/clarify will make her stop; save up every one of these incidents for later guilt trip use. that's my art. >:]

eep!

I start work tomorrow! ...er, today. yes, that. I should be sleeping right now. but anyway, my sentiments about this can be summed up with one word: EEEEEEEEEEK!

honestly, that 'eek' is mostly related to getting up so early and then having to fight traffic/crazies for 30+ minutes. I need a private jet. xP anyway, wish me luck!!


p.s. who is looking at this from thailand--is that you, kingpin?